I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection–the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.

Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality “girlfriend time” helps us to create more seratonin–a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings?–rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym.

There’s a tendency to think that when we are “exercising” we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged–not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to shmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very very lucky.

Understanding the MBTI type of your friends may provide insight if there is the odd bump in the road in your everyday interactions. However when you do business together the value of understanding differences and appreciating where the person is coming from and how to communicate with them more effectively can be a critical factor in maintaining a strong relationship on a professional level. Of course keeping things going smoothly has huge implications on a personal level.

Some people may caution against working with friends. My approach is to take it on a case by case basis. Some people you can work with and with others you need to trust your gut. If working together would place too much strain on your friendship, it is not worth the temptation of working with someone who knows you well.

On the other hand one side implication is that you get to see your friend in a different context. If this context is stressful, it may have some negative side effects. However, the other day I was amazed and delighted to have the pleasure of seeing someone I have known for years in the midst of using their expertise. They were masterful beyond anything I had expected and it was a joy to behold. I have learned so much from my friends and appreciate the gifts that they share in my life

What is your policy about working with friends?

It is not the best use of the Enneagram or any model of personality to use it as a predictor. However the Enneagram can be a resource to understand a particular dynamic that may be currently influencing the interaction between two people or that might potentially influence their relationship. Don Riso and Russ Hudson talk about Levels of Development for each type. All types can be in relationship with any other type. The biggest influencer is the health of an individual. Health in this sense has to do with what level of development the person “hangs out in” the most – how aware they are about the impact they are making on others, how mindful they are in the present and how much they take responsibility for their actions. Anyone addicted to the hero, villain or victim role can prove toxic to any relationship.

Most of the time people don’t drive out the Enneagram in their everyday conversations about how they are getting along. When something does arise that interrupts the connection or natural flow between two people, the Enneagram shines a bright light on what is in play and can show a way to shift the energy of what is happening.

Both Four and Five are withdrawing types, so they can be caught up in their own interior world. For the Five that world is one of intellectual abstraction. The Five pulls back from the impingement of emotional entanglement to observe and gather information. The Four is all about understanding the territory of the heart and the subtleties of emotional tonality. The trick is to find the way into each others world. The Four will need to give space for the Five and modify their considerable demand for attention. Consider the alternative – the more the Four demands a “connection” the further the Five retreats to protect their need for the safety of emotional detachment.

The Five can benefit hugely from understanding the world of feelings and learning to recognize and stay with their own feelings. While Fours and Fives are on the opposite poles of emotional connection, they have the most to learn from each other. This pairing can go either way ending with both parties contracting further into their own interior realm or meeting in the middle and consequently balancing out their own tendencies.

For more information see Helen Palmer’s “The Enneagram in Love and Work”. Riso and Hudson have a rich on-line resource for members.

As a final comment – my aunt once gave me a life lesson for which I am grateful. She questioned me about the word “relationship”. She said that it was LOVE that mattered. That shifts the conversation and the kinds of things that matter, where you focus your attention and what you are willing to do to nurture the love.

People will generally all agree that they know what the word means in response to question #1. Then in response to question #2 you will get the same number of definitions as there are people at the dinner table. Introducing a commonly held definition may help somewhat but people are still apt to apply their own perspective.

A coaching client (ENTP) saw themselves as supportive and a team player. This was true in respect to direct reports and those in an underdog position who were deemed to be trying their best. To these people this person was a champion and would go the extra mile in a kind and compassionate manner. What the client didn’t “see” was just how differently peers were treated. People at the same level in the organization were held to a completely different set of criteria, and they were expected to be capable, efficient and effective without any need for support. The approach was “show me you are competent and you will have my respect. Otherwise stay out of my way.”

Different people in the organization had opposing opinions about this person’s character, but the overall opinion was not serving this client well because people were confused. What added to the confusion was how blind this person was to their double standard. In this person’s model of the world, it was a waste of their time being “nice” to people at their level of seniority. After all they were being paid to do an equivalent job. The end result was a handful of people saw this person as a team player and others saw them as rude.

Patrick Lencioni author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team says that team ONE is the team that you are on not the team that you lead. With that in mind, defining oneself as a team player when the team that counts doesn’t agree is a problem. You may argue that this person was “right” that there ought to be an expectation of competence but that misses the point . Sometimes being “right” is a cold and lonely place.

When something isn’t working about the behaviour of someone else, it is tempting to develop theories to explain what is happening. If people know the MBTI they may use type or preference differences as their rationale. When the statements they make take the form of sweeping generalizations “I don’t like Extraverts they always yell instead of talking and I can’t hear myself think.” there is the possibility of creating much more harm than good.

So before we go painting everyone of a certain preference with the same paint brush let’s take a breath. Perhaps this person’s behaviour is objectionable because of their level of development. There might also be several other possible explanations that aren’t about personality type.

The Enneagram addresses this issue in a direct manner. The way the Enneagram is presented by Riso and Hudson adds levels of development to their look at type. At higher levels a person tends toward being open and expansive as opposed to restricting and reacting at the lower levels. It is very helpful to see behaviours that are healthy and how type may function in an unhealthy way. This saves labeling a certain negative behaviour as being a characteristic of the type as a whole. The individual in question may simply be less developed and have behaviour that reflects this.

HINT: Words like “always, never, everyone, everywhere” mark out something that needs to be examined a little closer to find the truth.

HINT #2: Consider this quote from Jung himself

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

]]> http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/its-not-type-its-level-of-development.html/feed 0 http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/mbti-relationships-the-dirt-on-how-to-get-along-with-me.html http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/mbti-relationships-the-dirt-on-how-to-get-along-with-me.html#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 14:00:56 +0000 Sandy McMullen http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/?p=280 The Question
What is the best way to get along with your MBTI type?

The Location
I asked this question on my Facebook page for Personality Plus in Business

The Incentive
I offered to make a doodle for anyone who participated. This MBTI Inspired cartoon could be printed out and posted by your desk – Hey- It’s only fair to give folks a “heads up”!

The Responses
These are hilarious – what about your type? What’s the best way to get along with you?

MBTI type answers

MBTI Get along advice continues

What's the best way to get along with my MBTI type?

The Question
What’s the best way to get along with your type?

]]> http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/mbti-relationships-the-dirt-on-how-to-get-along-with-me.html/feed 0 http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/mbti-bragging-an-intp-mom-i-wish-i-had-had-when-i-was-three.html http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/mbti-bragging-an-intp-mom-i-wish-i-had-had-when-i-was-three.html#comments Mon, 27 Jul 2009 18:37:25 +0000 Sandy McMullen http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/?p=166 Our cottage had a three year old visitor this weekend. What a joy! She arrived at 10 in the evening after a 4 and a half hour ride in a van chock full with three adults and three kids under 6 years.

We sat and had a chat and a snack – lots of laughter and curiosity and zero drama even though it was a strange house and late at night. I give kudos to mom Helen. She is 100% ready to be present to her child and to let her be her age. A three year old tells it like it is. How awesome to be heard not put down or have artificial constraints. Laughter replaced “No’s and Don’t’s”

I was asking Helen about her work and she was said that she effortlessly sees the whole picture and what would naturally bring things into order. This is also the way Helen parents. She sees beyond the incident and what needs to happen next. She is riding the gifts of INFP to the max.

You can follow Helen on Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks website where she blogs on Conscious Parenting. The world would be a better place if every child had people as awake and aware as Helen in their lives.

]]> http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/mbti-bragging-an-intp-mom-i-wish-i-had-had-when-i-was-three.html/feed 0 http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/the-reiss-profile-shines-light-on-relationships.html http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/the-reiss-profile-shines-light-on-relationships.html#comments Mon, 27 Apr 2009 21:50:11 +0000 Sandy McMullen http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/?p=139 Every individual has some proportion of all 16 basic needs described in the Reiss Desire Profile which you can see here. Each person person will have a high desire for some traits, others traits will be on the low end and some will be in the neutral mid-zone. The places where we share a high desire for a specific trait or traits with another person will typically be a bonding experience. For example, people with a high desire for status will seek out environments that support this desire and other people who share this sensitivity… think Conde Nast and a building full of people dressed in black.

On the other hand when people are on either end of the spectrum on the same trait, they may experience conflict. Imagine someone with a high need for saving in relationship with someone who spends freely. This can provide challenges both personally and in the workplace.

My husband has a high need for physical activity. His idea of a good day might include 36 holes on two challenging golf courses, a curling bonspiel (Canadian eh!) or volunteering to dig, cement and instal water cachement systems in Guatemala. My idea of a great day is hearing all about it over a glass of wine at dinner. We have been able to work this particular conflict out especially since we both have a high need for independence and we both enjoy dinner.

Other discrepancies have created greater challenges for me. I have a high need for acceptance which is a challenge for many people in the workplace. If a person with a low need for acceptance doesn’t have a modicum of awareness this can be a challenge. They might not care what others think of them – if THEY are okay with things they can go ahead. What others think may not even be on their radar screen. Some industries like the film industry also call for a certain thick skin. If you take things personally in this high pressure environment, you may not last very long.

I have learned over the years that I work best with others who are expedient. If someone has a high need for honour and needs to follow the traditions of the way things were done step by step, I am not the best business partner for them. I want to get on with it – move things forward – rock and roll. (Oops getting carried away here). I am the Queen of the lazy man’s load – pile thing up to make one trip even when 3 may be required -I am not proud of it but accept that this is typically my modus operandi.

You cannot change a person’s desires or negotiate them out of it. You can’t explain it with the hopes of changing another. You can agree to disagree. You can accept that the other person is different and build on the areas of commonality. The traits that you both rank in the neutral area do not have the same impact on the quality of the relationship.

Knowing who you are – accepting yourself – being transparent with others – accepting them and making clear agreements about areas of difference provide 5 steps toward healthy relationships.

]]> http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/the-reiss-profile-shines-light-on-relationships.html/feed 0 http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/love-from-an-infp.html http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/love-from-an-infp.html#comments Tue, 17 Feb 2009 02:24:29 +0000 Sandy McMullen http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/?p=98 Each MBTI type has it’s own special contribution to make. One example of the creative caring gift that the INFJ offers came in the form of an actual gift – a package wrapped in brown paper and string. My daughter, Karen, who lives on the West coast of Canada sent some LOVE in a box across to Toronto in the East. She hit all the right notes to fill me up and make me feel appreciated.

The package itself was almost enough to do the job as I so enjoy finding anything other than bills and promotional material in the mail. A surprise package in the mail – yummy. Then factor in that she made me a cup and saucer with carefully selected and positioned messages and images. Very sweet. Plus she was thinking about what matters to me – crafted by hand, bold colour, messages with themes that are important to me “inspiration, big ideas, reaching out, living large and having fun” , and a sassy sense of humour.

Okay, I know that this is Mom talking here so you may think that I am merely bragging about my daughter, and yet I have had a similar experience when working with INFJs. There is an uncanny ability to go right to the heart of what matters and to bring what is deep and meaningful to light. Whether you are talking about a service offer for a client or thinking about what Mom might need while Dad is off taking Spanish lessons and working on a project for an NGO in Guatemala, INFJs know how to add the pieces that make the offer rich and on purpose.

In a business context, INFJs may be focused on getting the client what they need in terms of results, HOW they do that is always part of the equation. The INFJ brings a vision of possibilities and a caring for others combined with enough structure to make it all happen.

This lovely treat of the cup and saucer was a complete surprise. I didn’t know that I needed it until I received it. The thing is that my daughter in her lovely INFJ way was listening to what I wasn’t saying and made an offering that met my unexpressed need.

In our home the first thing that happens when someone comes in the door is that the kettle goes on for a pot of tea. It is our tradition, a comfort and a friendly thing to do. Sending this surprise was an act of love and it feels so nice to be on the receiving end of that.

How do you express your love? Does it relate to your MBTI type in any way?

]]> http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/love-from-an-infp.html/feed 1 http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/a-valentines-memory-from-aunt-tish.html http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2009/a-valentines-memory-from-aunt-tish.html#comments Sat, 14 Feb 2009 15:08:58 +0000 Sandy McMullen http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/?p=99 I have been thinking a lot about relationships and what enhances and challenges the way two people relate. While I think that there are good reasons to be intentional about gaining self knowledge and improving communication, there is a home truth that keeps running through my brain. My aunt once challenged me about the term “relationships”.

She said “What’s important is LOVE. If you love someone you don’t need to talk about your ‘relationship’.” Aunt Tish was married over 60 years to three different men. Uncle Percy was young love and raising children and they remained a family first even after the divorce – an intelligent thoughtful divorce. Uncle Art was just LOVE personified and when he died Aunt Tish was just past 75 years of age.

Then Peter, a real Renaissance man, who had become a great friend over several years – sharing an interest in Tish’s charitable work, her love of books and the world of finance. Peter moved seamlessly from great friend to husband number three. Peter was a younger man and I wondered about their story. It became clear during a visit when I noticed how they finished each others sentences. At one point I showed my aunt my art portfolio. She went through each image and pointed out six favourites. Later on when Peter was browsing through he stopped on the same six paintings making very similar comments. It was uncanny.

Age was not an issue. These two were like Frick and Frack, two peas in a pod, soul-mates. They genuinely cared for each other in a way that did not need analysis. They loved each other. They liked each other. They had fun and respect and devotion. If you are lucky enough to love someone and have someone love you, cherish that. That’s what counts in family, best friends and mates.

I still reserve the right to use the word “relationship” when referring to business partners and colleagues. Then a little knowledge about personality types may just save the day.

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