Perspectives

One great conversation over the holidays centered on people who are just “too much.” Typically that means they are too much for other people to deal with. They might be too loud, too peppy, too emotional, too aggressive, too confident … fill in your word of choice.

This was my daughter’s phrase and I asked her if she belonged to this tribe. We laughed because Karen describes herself as a “big feeler.” The gift of this is her ability to be in a conversation with anyone no matter how challenging the topic. She doesn’t deflect or change course when encountering heavy emotional territory, she steers fearlessly for the eye of the storm, allowing others to express and consequently move beyond the “touchy” places.   She comes by this honestly, apparently, because her sister and her mother are also tribe members from time to time. (Okay okay I admit to crying during commercials.)

There is a downside to being “too much.” People give you messages either directly as in “You’re too much!” or ” Stop being so emotional” or indirectly by backing away, averting their eyes or other non-verbal messaging. This holds true for people who are too loud, too friendly, too assertive but some of the tribe are immune to other people’s responses. Others in the tribe end up feeling that they don’t fit in and this can cause them to withdraw, act out or alter their behaviour.

It occurred to me that Hans Christian Andersen’s tale ‘The Ugly Duckling” captures the alienation we feel when we aren’t like others. Trying to conform may seem like the prescribed solution, but ultimately it doesn’t work if it results in feeling like you are abandoning yourself.

Here are three suggestions for anyone who feels that they are “too much” at  times.

1. Accept yourself just the way you are. I’m not implying that you might not wish to change some aspects of how you show up to others. Perhaps you’ll change or maybe you won’t. The truest way to have change happen naturally is to start by looking at “what is” and simply being okay with that. If you force yourself to adapt you may end up in resistance and further embedded in “too much” as a result of undue stress.
2. If there is a person or group of people in your life who give off messages that they don’t accept you as you are, think about what you want to do about that. Letting people constantly criticize and judge you is a recipe for stress. It is okay to outgrow friends, colleagues even lifestyles. They don’t need to be blamed or made wrong. It may simply be the time to move on.
3. Develop a practice of being a neutral yet compassionate observer of your behaviour. Notice those “too much” episodes without judgment. “How fascinating!” “How interesting” “Look at this dynamic”. This simple mindful habit (skill), anchored in acceptance, is one of the most powerful contributors to change.

Good luck to any fellow ducklings! I’d love to hear how this fairy tale scenario holds true for you.

I am a fan of Otto Kroeger and Associates and CEO Hile Rutledge. This organization has an approach that is respectful of people as individuals and the integrity of the Myers Briggs (MBTI). Their materials are first rate and from all that I have seen and heard they are dedicated to learning and expanding their approaches.

Even though Hile Rutledge generously allowed me to use their type descriptions in my book Inner Landscapes II, for some reason I hadn’t subscribed to their newsletter until now. Here is a seasonal gem from their December newsletter that I am sure you will enjoy as much as I did.

What Type is Santa Claus? by
Hile Rutledge
An OKA graduate once asked us what might be Santa Claus’ type. Here is the response…

Dear Nancy,
I must admit this is the first time I’ve gotten the Santa question, but it seems an
obvious thing to ponder. As with all Typewatching speculations, it is important
to note that such hypotheses say more about the guesser than they do the
subject being considered. Often, there is much “type pondering” about
prominent figures – we hear many political leaders, for example, described as
every type because they are the object of projection from those around th
we project that much onto our leaders – real people in the news each day, imagine what we as
collective do to Santa Claus! All this is offered as a disclaimer and a backdrop urging you to
take what I next say – and the type projections of anyone you ask – with a pound of salt.

Santa Claus’ Type Preference
Picturing the late 20th century, pop culture, largely marketing driven image of Santa that is most
prevalent today, these would be the preferences I see:
Temperament of Santa – I can see the argument for NF. Santa is a poster child for personable
and touchy-feely, right? But I would argue Santa is an SJ. Look at this man’s project
management skills. Toys for everyone in the world delivered all in one night – on time and under
budget? Come on, only an SJ could pull that one off. Besides he makes list and checks it
twice. NFJs may make the list, but check it twice? Never. Santa’s an SJ.

E – Most of the shows and images we see of Santa show a gregarious and expressive man,
frequently in the company of others. Can you imagine the network that that man must have?
No Introvert would have such a thing unless he lived in total stress – and that jolly old elf
certainly has a stress-free life 51 weeks out of the year.

F – Santa has to be a Feeling decider. Don’t be fooled by the naughty and nice list. That is not
an objective, logical decision process. Fs can and do make the naughty or nice conclusion. But
really, have you ever seen data that suggest that anyone has ever made it to the naughty
list? There were many years that I deserved switches and coal, but I got the G.I. Joe with the
Kung Fu Grip instead. Santa has shown more mercy than justice in my view. Santa is an F – a
dominant Extraverted F, in fact.

I would argue that Santa is an ESFJ, which we refer to as Host/Hostess of the World–also
known as the ambassadors of the world. How perfect for Father Christmas.

Hile Rutledge
Chief Executive Officer
OKA (Otto Kroeger Associates) | http://www.typetalk.com | Ph: (703) 591-6284

I love how entrepreneurs think and take action. The Ready, Fire, Aim approach they often take typically hits the mark even though occasionally it can cause some grief. However, when entrepreneurs get stuck and the momentum stalls, for whatever reason, it can get UGLY.

I was talking to such an entrepreneur (SP temperament) in such a stuck place who was finding it difficult to know what to say to clients who were complaining about something out of this individual’s control. People were making erroneous assumptions about this person’s working relationship with a business associate who was responsible for the problem area in question. This entrepreneur was like a deer in the headlights not knowing quite what to say because they had the inside scoop. However correcting any misconceptions about the division of responsibility would make both parties look bad and not satisfy the client. Besides which it would just feed any existing resentment by playing the BLAME game. The only responsible position was to take 100% responsibility to the client but it wasn’t pleasant.

My thinking went to a need for recreating the business agreements with this associate. This could have been a lengthy negotiation.

A third person (ENTJ) in the conversation suggested simply saying to the client “Thank you for your feedback. We will look into that and get back to you with some ideas.” I was quite taken aback for a moment until I realized that my approach could have been over-complicating things and possibly erecting even more barriers. This simple response would respect the client and provide an opportunity for the entrepreneur to maintain their momentum.

In focusing on providing for the client these associates might have an opportunity for some honest conversation to sort out their relationship from the bottom up. It might not require a big formal re-negotiation if a series of smaller conversations could achieve the same result.

Are you aware of areas where you over-complicate matters?

I couldn’t resist sharing this snippet. In the nature / nurture argument my response is always YES to both. However this clip could sway me to support that there are somethings simply hardwired in.

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Declaration: I am not sentimental as far as Hallmark holidays such as Valentines go. However we are all in relationships at work and at home and February is a perfect excuse to explore relationship related themes.

Do you ever meet couples that seem so different from each other that you wonder what the attraction is? Sometimes things appear to be ticking along quite nicely, but some couples seem to swim in drama. Some people seem to be addicted to the adrenaline that pumps through their bodies when they are immersed in these high drama relationships. My theory is that “opposites attract” when we are younger, but that new relationships in later years are more about finding similarities. Having these differences in play in our twenties and early thirties helps us to learn about who we are and to smooth off any jagged edges because we have something to bump up against.

Dr Pat Comley, professionally trained coach and a professor at Ryerson University in Toronto, has a Doctorate in Applied Psychology and Counseling Education. She agrees that this has been the case for her and that this typically holds true for those she has worked with.

Later in life, things that were once important simply fall off your radar screen. You can’t help but come to terms with various aspects of your life (that is if you live long enough.) For those who have worked out a lot of the kinks surrounding their identity and what’s important, the kind of tension that surfaces between different personality preferences may lack appeal. At a certain point a person may find indeed that having commonalities has become more attractive. Sharing and engagement based on mutuality may not sound sexy but I like it and it works.

In a business context this could be a trickier consideration. Many (most) people are drawn to hire others who are like they are: “I found a perfect hire … they do everything just the way I like it.” The problem is that you have doubled your possible “blind spot” and could be heading toward the insidiousness of “group think” if you don’t have some balance of preferences and styles on your team. It is much wiser to hire for the job and find someone with the strengths and capacity to perform that role. Making business relationship choices are definitely “head” and “gut” considerations not only “heart” ones.

As for love – a touch of magic may always be an essential ingredient that goes beyond surface considerations like sameness vs difference. However from where I stand on the other side of “young”- life is too short for struggle –engagement and connection YES but who has time for the drama that extreme differences or unhealthy development can foster? If you are young and reading this or an adventure junkie, I know you will ignore me. The drama is seductive. No worries – you will sort it all out with time – just remember that you get to put the midnight calls on your phone bill not mine.

Imagine a work environment where everyone has their MBTI type label posted on their office door. This may strike some as just terribly efficient. But no No NO NOOOOO…this is just bad practice and a misuse of the MBTI or any other assessment tool IMHO.

People are NOT any label that you might hang on them, and this way of viewing the use of assessment tools does a disservice to everyone. MBTI professionals are very careful in their language to make the distinction. They will talking about “those with a preference for Extraversion” as opposed to “those who ARE Extraverts”. People are wonderfully complex and they definitely should not be limited by any label. People HAVE a preference – they AREN’T their preference. This distinction matters.

When you hang a sign on a door that limits possibilitites for genuine engagement. People can make all kinds of false assumptions based on too little information and misunderstanding. It is an act that separates us from each other rather than building true connection and compassion.

Knowing that someone may have a different type helps me to understand how they process information and make decisions differently from my way of being. I don’t have to take their behaviour as a problem or weird or even better than mine – simply different. If I spend some time observing myself I may even come to appreciate the benefit of how their type handles some situations where my way of processing may have blind spots.

Yes – use the MBTI to learn how to communicate with other styles. Yes – use the MBTI to find work that fits your natural ways of being. Yes – use the MBTI to learn to see and appreciate each other and to share in a way that builds trust. This approach involves real conversation about our different perspectives and a desire to learn and understand those with whom we work. Putting type labels on office doors may do the opposite – contributing to judgment and alienation. Don’t do it even if you think people will be okay with it – it may seem harmless but it isn’t.

Later this month Master Coach Mike Jay is answering any burning questions on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator that I can bring to the table. Mike has a depth of knowledge of the MBTI that includes theory and the theory in action. As well as being a generous teacher, Mike is dedicated to lifelong learning and development. His innovative ideas in collaborative learning, leadership and business innovation have brought him recognition in coaching and business circles globally.

As part of the B/Coach training program that Mike developed, coaches are introduced to an array of assessment tools. Mike understands business reality and he understands human dynamics. The models, principles and theories that coaches in the B/Coach and Leadership University programs are introduced to are enriched with this depth of knowledge and practical experience. One thing that coaching training revealed to me is that having a personal committment to my ongoing learning and development was an essential part of my coaching practice.

I have noticed that many of my teachers and mentors share a generosity in sharing their wisdom. “Over delivering” is a thread that is common to them all – they incorporates an openness and availability to enable learning – much more than a “data dump” it involves helping people integrate and apply the learning.

Recently an interest in the MBTI surfaced in conversation within the Leadership University learning community and Mike stepped in with this generous offer. I am collecting my thoughts so that I am prepared to make the most of this opportunity.

I am asking you to add to the list I am preparing by submitting any questions you may have about the MBTI by February 15th. What are you curious about that might help improve your business life and working relationships? I plan to forward them to Mike before the session and to write up his responses later on in a blog post.

Today, the Huffington Post carried an interesting article that Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for “The Vagina Monologues” wrote about Sarah Palin.

In this article Ensler comes out with a strong voice that speaks to not only Feminism but the perspective that emerges from the archetype of the feminine.

I don’t like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story — connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

Looking at this from a perspective of type, it is clear that there is no one preference, attitude or type that describes what makes women tick. Some women live in a man’s world, and they may adopt an approach that comes out of a very masculine orientation especially in their business life. There are simply no assumptions to be made here about ALL women or even any individual woman (or man for that matter) at a particular time and place.

Personality type may give you more clues about how to best interact with someone at work or at play than counting on gender to give you any insight into what they think or how they might behave.