Networking – you either love it or you don’t.

Some groups seem friendlier and less threatening than others.

Even though I have a preference for Extraversion I have an aversion to networking, but perhaps that is obvious in the tone of this post.

It is hard enough to explain my passions to people who know me well, but a roomful of strangers is daunting.

I understand that those with a preference for Introversion can be both competent and capable when it comes to networking. I can just imagine that a room full of strangers could result in an energy draining experience for many Introverts.

If you are reading this in a place where you cannot see the cartoon please click here

When you ask someone with a preference for Intuition how they came to understand something to be true for them, they can come up with a logical rational explanation. If truth be told they often just know. Different threads come together so that those who prefer Intuition SEE the pattern and it all becomes clear. Then they seek to back it up with some rationale.

Those who are versed in developing critical thinking skills in decision making, may find relying on Intuition unreliable. I use my Intuition all the time. I also trust that I can distinguish when it is the kind of decision where it is necessary to take a more refined look weighing what I believe against critical criteria.

The thing is my Intuition has been a reliable guide at least 90% of the time.

How do I know that’s true – you may ask? I just know.

To view the cartoon http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2011/intuitions-mantra-i-just-know.html

A video I posted on YouTube which showcases a wonderful ESFJ received the following comment.

I test as an ESFJ. However, I can also be an ISFJ depending up on the situation. Anyone else feel like this?

Because this idea comes up so often I wanted to address it. So here goes the short answer and the “more than you asked for” response.

The Short Answer
The Myers Briggs Type Indicator assessment inventory sorts your responses so that the end result is one preference or the other. Think ON or OFF – like a light switch you are either this/ or you are that. This means that for each of the four preferences you are either Extraverted or Intraverted, Sensing or Intuitive, Thinking or Feeling, Judging or Perceiving. (BTW the official MBTI tool has been tested for reliability and validity whereas the quizzes you can find free online may not be reliable.)

Of course we all use all of aspects in these pairs. We simply have a preference for one of each pair. Your environment, interests or life experience may call on you to develop the other side of the preference pair but that doesn’t mean that you switch from being one type to another. That is you don’t go from being ESFJ one day to ISFJ another, You are still ESFJ – only one with more versatility.

If you are still with me and want to know why this matters read on…

More Answer Than You Asked For
In the 4 letter code that describes your type eg ESFJ the 4 preferences work together like the ingredients in a recipe.

Just as flour, sugar, eggs and butter mix together to produce cookies, cupcakes, or tarts. Once these are mixed and baked you can’t go back and switch from one raw ingredient to another.

What the 4 letter code does is identify the order of the use of the functions. For instance the dominant function for the ESFJ is Extraverted Feeling. Feeling indicates that people with this preference make decisions based on values and the effect on the people. When Sensing is Extraverted as it is with ESFJ the focus is on the outer world – deciding if something is acceptable or will work for others.

Contrast that with ISFJ who has a dominant function of Introverted Sensing. Those with a preference for Sensing prefer to take in information using tangible experiences and data. When Sensing is Introverted as it is with ISFJ the person will first review past experiences and what detailed information will allow them to accumulate all the known data.

You can see that there is a different kind of energy between and ESFJ and ISFJ . They will focus their time, energy resources in different ways that go well beyond sometimes being a little more Introverted than Extroverted.

Fascinating stuff if I do say so myself!!!

A few weeks went by and it seemed that the process was taking longer than required but I wasn’t concerned as I had registered the letter. Imagine my dismay when the postman delivered a rejection notice highlighted in several areas in bright yellow marker.

I had failed to copy my name exactly as it appeared on my expired passport. I had written Sandra M Maureen instead of Sandra Mary Maureen and it set off alarms. In addition I added a line at the beginning of the M’s in my signature that were straight instead of curved as in the passport signature. HORSE-FEATHERS!!! I have always had handwriting that was more linear and vertical when note-taking and more flourished and slanted when relaxed and feeling expressive. May be I should be worried about having multiple personalities but in the moment I had a a few choice words run through my mind for the overzealous bureaucrat that couldn’t see that Sandra M and Sandra Mary are the one and same ME whether signed with a curved M or straight M.

I even had the same outfit on when I had my photo taken then and now… not everyone has a lime green silk jacket, for heavens sake. Most women I know are clothes hounds and don’t have the same wardrobe for years and years.

So I have made up a story about this person who spends their day looking at details to ferret out I don’t know what – spies, terrorists, illegals – and it is a sad tale. I admit to being abysmal at filling out forms but I pray that I never reincarnate as a bureaucrat stuck at a desk with a yellow highlighter in hand. ENFP’s were not designed to be good at forms. They are not our cup of tea in any way shape or form. (No pun intended). While there is no love lost for bureaucrats in my life, I might not mind coming back as someone who can rant at the passport office like this woman who is my new hero..

I run like crazy away from people that I see as needy or clingy. It’s top of mind right now because I went on a date last night and decided that the guy was insecure and needy and would need a lot of “coddling” and “taking care of”, and I thought, “I’m out of here; I so don’t want to do that for someone.”

But then I thought that when I have been in relationships – with guys that didn’t come across as needy – I *love* taking care of them. I go out of my way to do nice things and look out for them. But they need to not need it in order for me to want to do it.

I’ve noticed this in work contexts too – I don’t like working with people if I get a needy feeling from them; in fact, the more they say they need me the more I withdraw.

Any Enneagram 5 or INTJ/INFJ light that you would like to shed on this?

Since this reaction to needy people has also come up for me, I am curious to have a l look at what might be happening.

Through the lens of the MBTI
What first came to mind was the possible reaction that someone with a preference for Thinking might have toward someone with a preference for Feeling. For the Thinking type decision making is made through objective analysis and the more internal process of the Feeling preference can seem slow, inefficient, unreliable or illogical which could be interpreted as being “needy”.

People who may have a preference for Feeling but are out-of-preference on one or two aspects might also react in a similar fashion. My out-of preference for the Tough side of the Tough-Tender aspect of Thinking-Feeling has made some people’s “weighing all aspects” time consuming process seem exasperatingly slow and “bleeding-heart” . I avoid “needy” people because my fear is that they won’t stand on their own two feet and make the decisions that are necessary to make for themselves.

Through the lens of the Enneagram
I am wondering if some of this reaction is due to the level of development of the person. Any type who is unhealthy can elicit red flags warning us to steer clear. Riso and Hudson have done a wonderful job in describing the healthy and unhealthy states for each type.

The Enneagram Five is the type most likely to have radar that would signal that a needy person would impinge on their peace of mind. Feelings and emotion interfere with the Fives detached observer stance and is the number one thing to be avoided.

The Enneagram Eight would have a more assertive reaction to the needy person. Rather than withdrawing and avoiding them they would deal with someone who wasn’t willing to stand up and try in a direct manner. While an underdog who is willing to fight for themselves is championed, anyone who clings and shows their belly might be told to “Get a life.”

Each type would react differently to people perceived as being needy and I am curious about how people of other types react. It would be great to hear your perspective.

Through the lens of the Reiss Desire Profile
When I was pondering my response to this query, the insights from the Reiss Desire Profile leapt to mind. Three of the 16 basic psychological needs might each have some influence here: the need for Acceptance, the need for Independence and the need for Social Contact.

The need for Acceptance relates to the need for approval. Anyone with a high need in this area can be seen as being needy. If you happen to have this as a need, you will never succeed in making it disappear. What you can do is recognize and accept it and design ways to get this need filled. Part of the trouble comes when people expect others in their inner circle, at work or random contacts to accommodate this need instead of being intentional in getting it met.

How does one do that? I’m not sure what would work for any individual but perhaps an example will help get the wheels turning. Mary Kay Cosmetics in the hay day of building their organization gave away pink Cadillacs plus many other public ways of showing recognition in a culture based on Acceptance. If someone can get their need met in one aspect of their life they will not have to generalize it to every situation.

Imagine that you are someone with a low need for Acceptance, a high need for Independence and a low need for Social Contact… if this profile or any combination of these desires fits you think about how you typically react to needy people.

What if we could use the information we glean from assessment tools to shift our reactions from personal to objective, we might reduce the temptation to judge or blame and instead get curious about what we can learn about how to work with people of all levels and types of needs.

Click here if you cannot see this doodle

This MBTI based cartoon is based on a direct quote from an ISTJ. I love the word “obviously” smack in the middle of this summation. I can imagine someone who knows what their place is in the organizational structure and abides by all of the spoken and unspoken traditions that accompany the org chart. Efficient, orderly, organized and a strong dose of being realistic. The job at hand gets done – fun, frivolity and spontaneity may not be in the job description here.

Recently I spoke with a woman who commented that she had just come from the last visit with a woman who she had been caring for for the last 6 months. That wasn’t her career and she hadn’t even started out as a best friend, but here she was saying goodbye to someone important in her life.

Granted she had skills that allowed her to do this work as a caregiver. She had been a nurse and is a trained coach working in the education system with families. However what was amazing to me was the combination of practicality and compassion that went hand in hand in her approach.

Understandably the family of the woman who was dying were in a state of confusion and denial. Part of what this ESFJ offered to them was being able to see through the overwhelm to know what needed to be done not only in the moment but for the next steps. The suggestions she made provided organized, well thought through information with concrete steps that were easily achievable. The family came to trust her open and compassionate guidance. Plus it gave them something to do to feel somewhat in control.

ESFJ’s supply warmth and are a steadying influence. They work well in systems and/or teams as they create collaborative environments where the practical needs of all concerned are top of mind.

What was most evident to me was the value in the simple act of daily conversation. These two women talked from the heart about what was wanting to be said…no holding back…no being afraid to go to all of the scary places.

Perhaps other types can also bring this level of heart and hand but this ESFJ has my vote for getting her angel wings.

What is the logical rational first thing that needs to happen when you are making a significant life or business decision? If you have a preference for Thinking, your answer to this question might just be that you need to identify your criteria for a successful outcome. That way you will be able to compare and decide if the option before you meets that criteria.

While this makes sense in theory, in practice someone with a preference for Feeling will typically have a different approach. They may eventually come up with a very rational and objective set of criteria but a more subjective approach will lead them there.

Can you do an article about ENFP and INFP differences?
I’m NFP but don’t know whether E or I.
(To make things more complicated I’m Enneagram 3 which is externally focused, so it is confusing me.)

When people first meet the MBTI model, they often look at it as a collection of preferences. So they try to decide am I really “Extroverted” or am I more “Introverted”. The four letters that make up the MBTI type are really a code that determines how the four functions of Intuiting, Sensing, Thinking and Feeling interact. This means that a person with preferences for INFP has a different dominant or leading function than a person with ENFP preferences. I sometimes think of dominant function as a persons first language. While we use all functions they are not all used equally and this flavours how we show up in the world.

The INFP leads with Introverted Feeling. They approach life looking through a lens of what is important and what is of value in a universal context. They can see the subtle differences in a constellation of factors such as the relative value of all the component parts involved – the various groups, the individual people, their actions, the beliefs and thinking underlying the issue. All of this is measured against their own inner value system to see what is in alignment and what isn’t.

The INFP “loves” the authentic in people and draws that out in them. Integrity, harmony, values and identity are words that resonate with the INFP. They are interested in what is deep and meaningful to the individual and they are not interested in people who don’t live up to their ideals.

On the other hand ENFPs lead with Extroverted Intuition. Having this dominant function is like having radar for the unspoken, the random occurrences surrounding a situation and a sudden knowing of what it all means. Brainstorming is like oxygen and the ENFP floats possibilities out to see which ones will rise to the top. They often follow several tangents at once without attachment and this ability allows them to navigate change as part of exploring life.

The ENFP is an inspiration junkie and wants to inspire and be inspired. They are known for their enthusiasm but have to watch to temper their enthusiasm with reality.

Your Dominant Function
Again it comes down to how do you know? The best way is always to combine taking the MBTI assessment tool through a certified practitioner combined with the coaching they will offer to do a self- determination of type.

I also recommend getting curious over a period of time and becoming a detached observer of your behaviour. On a personal note- even though I spend oodles of time alone and have become less and less social over time – the ENFP dominant function of Extroverted Intuition stands out a mile. Not only do I experience it I hear feed-back from others that this is what they experience too. At the same time I know that while I appreciate deep meaningful conversation I have no interest in sustaining that in the same way an INFP can and does.

The Step 2 Distinctions
To go back to the attitudes of Introversion and Extroversion for a moment. When I use the MBTI, I prefer the Step 2 inventory which breaks down each of the preference pairs into 5 sub-pairs.
People may be out-of-preference on one side of the equation that differs from their type code and this not only adds a layer of complexity but also explains a lot.

One individual who stands out had results that said he was ENTP but he was out-of-preference on the Introverted side for 2 of the 5 distinctions for Extroversion and Introversion. He determined that INTP was a better fit for who he was and how he operated in real life. The team that reported to him also gained an understanding of how to best communicate with him. They could see that he “went to his cave” literally and figuratively at times and yet he would respond when asked so that they had permission to ask.

Also I have seen it work that understanding potential out-of-preference distinctions allowed the person to be really comfortable with their MBTI results and yet fit in this seemingly confusing aspect of their behaviour. One person who typed as an Extrovert was out-of-preference for one of the 5 distinctions on the Introverted side. He was able to explain to his team that there were times were he felt quite shy. The team members confessed that they had experienced this and felt that understanding this distinction helped them not to take this shift in behaviour personally.

As for the Enneagram
Each of these personality tools needs to be first looked at on their own before trying to see how they work along side each other. They do not readily overlap in all places and even so experts do not agree on how they do. My ENFP preferences are not typical for an Enneagram 6 but make sense to me when I see my strong 7 wing.

My suggestion is to look at these 2 tools as separate entities for now. The Enneagram is not a fast study IMHO so be okay with being curious. You are simply fascinating and worth the time investment to explore.

I’d love to hear if this helped you come to a landing place and also love to hear how others resolve MBTI type confusion.

In a recent post she describes her calendar laden with milestones to mark out her progress with her goals for 2010 in true ISTJ style. Her resolution for ISTJ is – “This year I will learn not to sweat the small stuff, even though I believe there is no such thing as small stuff.” The great question she poses is what do New Year’s resolutions look like for each type.

I added an ENFP worthy thought that I have been mulling over for a few weeks –

In 2010 I will “finally” respect the gift of PLAY – embracing it for my personal day to day well-being and bringing it into my coaching and painting – creativity to the MAX…Wooohoooo

What do your New Years Resolutions look like?

No matter what they may be – please accept my best wishes for a wonderful years full of all the richness and blessings you hope for.