Communication

In a recent post best-selling author Seth Godin talks about the futility of trying to convince someone to think the way you do. He could have been describing the experience of expecting others with different MBTI types to see things as you see them.

What I thought was interesting was his suggestion that people do business with people who are like-minded. Of course he was talking about people who had behaviours and interests that were similar.

Maybe there is something to what he suggests. I’m not really sure what I think about this idea but I recently had an experience that might prove him right. I facilitated a day of visioning with two business owners- one had ESTJ preferences and one was ENTP. One two occasions the person who is ENTP explained an idea that I was trying to get across by making it more tangible. Maybe it isn’t a coincidence that many people who seek me out as a coach have NF, NT or SP temperament preferences. My approach is often a mis-match for SJ’s no matter how conscious I try to be about my language and pace.

While I mull this over, I am curious to hear your thoughts on the benefits of finding “like- minded” customers/clients rather than trying to adapt or getting them to see things your way?

I love how entrepreneurs think and take action. The Ready, Fire, Aim approach they often take typically hits the mark even though occasionally it can cause some grief. However, when entrepreneurs get stuck and the momentum stalls, for whatever reason, it can get UGLY.

I was talking to such an entrepreneur (SP temperament) in such a stuck place who was finding it difficult to know what to say to clients who were complaining about something out of this individual’s control. People were making erroneous assumptions about this person’s working relationship with a business associate who was responsible for the problem area in question. This entrepreneur was like a deer in the headlights not knowing quite what to say because they had the inside scoop. However correcting any misconceptions about the division of responsibility would make both parties look bad and not satisfy the client. Besides which it would just feed any existing resentment by playing the BLAME game. The only responsible position was to take 100% responsibility to the client but it wasn’t pleasant.

My thinking went to a need for recreating the business agreements with this associate. This could have been a lengthy negotiation.

A third person (ENTJ) in the conversation suggested simply saying to the client “Thank you for your feedback. We will look into that and get back to you with some ideas.” I was quite taken aback for a moment until I realized that my approach could have been over-complicating things and possibly erecting even more barriers. This simple response would respect the client and provide an opportunity for the entrepreneur to maintain their momentum.

In focusing on providing for the client these associates might have an opportunity for some honest conversation to sort out their relationship from the bottom up. It might not require a big formal re-negotiation if a series of smaller conversations could achieve the same result.

Are you aware of areas where you over-complicate matters?

The Theory
The Thinking preference makes decisions objectively based on matching to rational, logical criteria.

The Feeling preference has a decision-making process that is subjective and is based on values and how the decision will affect the people involved. It is a rational process – the criteria are different.

So that’s the theory.

The Reality
This difference can be the cause of a lot of misunderstanding in relationships. I love this cartoon because from a Thinking perspective this purchase makes no sense, but how many people have had this very moment in their shopping experience. This cartoon is at the expense of the Feeling preference so I’d like to point out the value Feeling makes in contributing to harmony and well-being. Better decisions are made when both Thinking and Feeling are considered.

Disclaimer
BTW if the joke was on the other foot Thinking types wouldn’t care. They might not even notice. “It’s not personal.” could almost be a Thinking mantra.

Inner Landscapes II

Interaction
That’s the name of the game! The MBTI is an opportunity…a vehicle for saying “this is a snapshot of me – how I operate in the world. I hope you find this useful in understanding how to communicate with me.”
Without interacting with the MBTI how do you know how to apply the information? Often people take the inventory and then tuck the report in a drawer. This lack of application was part of my inspiration in doing a series of painting on the Myers Briggs. I wanted to encourage interaction – conversation – sharing of stories, opinions and insights. People came into the gallery and had great conversations about what they liked and why and how that related to their own preferences. “I like the structure in this painting…this other is way too “all over the place.’”

One highlight from that show was a young newly-married couple from Montreal who were vacationing in Toronto and came into the gallery. She was reluctant to look at the work but he was intrigued. It turned out that his type was ISFP and when the young woman read the type description she did a 180. They had a 20 minute conversation in the gallery with her reinterpreting their whole vacation – no longer interpreting his quiet gentle ways as lacking engagement with her. Now that’s a cool insight to have in the first months of marriage instead of building up negative stories about your partner’s behaviour. They both left very excited about their new understanding of each other. This young man actually came back to Toronto for a ball game later in the month and dragged his buddies into the gallery before the game. The buddies were looking for a “brewski” not art so they were not as interactive as my new friend.

Your turn
At my Personality + Business page on Facebook I am having a contest (well actually a draw). Share your MBTI related insights and stories about how who you are (personality type, passions, interests, strengths, values) fits perfectly with what you do at work and at home too.

I will be sending a copy of “Inner Landscapes II” which has images of all of the 33 painting done for the show to one person selected randomly. (how could I judge which story is best?) It also has wonderful type descriptions for Otto Kroeger Associates. These particular descriptions are geared for a business audience. The selection for the winner will be random and done on Aug 30th.

Tell us your story – this is an interactive WIN-WIN possibility. You might win a book and we all win by learning more about applying the MBTI.

See you on Facebook

Although my main interest in using assessment tools falls in the realm of understanding oneself, improving communication is another reason to embrace the information that the MBTI provides.

The basis of successful communication is rapport. Rapport occurs naturally when you feel in sync with another. We have all experienced those times when you can complete another’s thoughts and you just know that this person is “with” you. You can also see the rapport between others in social situations when people are turned toward each other heads titled at the same angle. While rapport occurs naturally when you feel that someone is “like” you are,  it can also be helped along when you notice that you are out of sync.

At these times when you don’t have rapport the first thing to do is STOP trying to communicate the content of your message and get the alignment of rapport established. Without it the person is unlikely to hear you.

Here’s where you can consciously work with what you know about the MBTI. I have to admit that this is not my strong suit but I know that it is very helpful; for example, my husband has a preference for Sensing and my typical ENFP conversational style takes the kind of leaps that people with a preference for Intuition often make. When I notice that he has “gone to the beach” in his head because of my style I can focus on completing my story without all of my fascinating (to me) detours.

Shawn Bakker of Psychometrics Canada has a terrific article with tips to look for to recognize another’s MBTI preferences. You can use these signals to understand how to reestablish rapport if your style doesn’t match the other person’s preferred communication style. As an example Shawn points out that the person with a preference for Introversion may have a quieter voice. The Extravert can consider then adopting a quieter tone than they might use otherwise.

How you say things matters as much as what you say.

I’ll bet you have some conversational pet peeves – Love to hear what they are !!!!

Do emotions have any place at work?

I can see the hands go up to indicate a big NO. Rather than join the NO chorus, I’d like to explore this for just a moment.

Habitual negative emotional tone creates a toxic environment. One person can set the tone and if it’s the BOSS it walks in the door with him or her and stays. This person usually isn’t aware that their “mood” is an emotional tone that affects anyone else. They may not even realize that they have a mood – they may simply feel justified because of all the ‘blankety blank” they have to deal with. In addition anyone in a workplace can hold a team hostage if people fear the fall out from extreme emotional reactions such as crying or anger. However, ignoring or stuffing emotions can be just as deadly a practice even though things may appear more serene on the surface.

A recent conversation reminded me that I am a harmony seeking device. ” Play nice.” “Why can’t we just get along.” “Look on the bright side.” The cliches just roll off my tongue. How can harmony hurt?

A great leader or manager or a great employee or entrepreneur … we all need to be able to have “difficult” conversations. This means in part entering territory that isn’t harmonious. Being able to stay in the tension of these moments long enough to flesh out what is really going on and to be open and curious about possibilities allows new solutions to emerge.

Trust is critical to these conversations and trust is eroded by toxic environments. Before things escalate to the point of no return find trust in yourself to hold the tension of a difficult conversation whether emotions surface or not. People who are “feelers” may want to avoid the humiliation of crying so instead they tolerate or stuff an issue that needs addressing. People who find any kind of emotion irrational and bothersome want to nip emotional “outbursts” in the bud or they may embrace any number of avoidance tactics.

Stuffing or avoiding simply delay the inevitable. Having the conversation that needs to be had is a courageous and important part of creating great work.

NOTE for MBTI folks:
I have purposefully used the word emotions rather than feelings. Feeling in MBTI terminology refers to a subjective decision making function and not to emotions.

Caroline Rennie is the managing partner at ren-new, a consultancy that helps clients with their environmental strategies. She understands what sustainability means in a very real way. Caroline is dedicated to helping organizations understand that “environmental” can also mean profitability and a better way to meet their business goals.

When Caroline speaks about her business off camera, her enthusiasm shines through. She especially enjoys work with teams and groups. People who work with Caroline trust her both on a personal level and for her expertise and focus on excellent delivery of results.

In this brief clip Caroline gives insight into how to work and communicate with an ENFP.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ejXbirHMVg

As an aside, I first met Caroline on Twitter. It still amazes me just how clearly people reveal who they are in 140 characters or less. We seemed to have interests and worldview in common so imagine how thrilled I was when Caroline accepted my invitation to meet when she was visiting in Toronto from her home in Switzerland.

We both have preferences for ENFP. What did that translate into? Two hours that flew by… conversational threads started, interrupted by exciting tangents and returned to several topics later… lots of laughter… recognition of ways of thinking and behaving… topped off by a tinge of a “soul sister” experience. Do you have the same recognition for people who share your type?

Here are two conversations this week – one overheard and one I participated in. Both show how we are often embedded in our own preferences and miss that others process differently.

Sensing and Intuition – A conversation overheard
Woman A: You must be Intuitive – you like the big picture.

Woman B: Uh huh (aka yes)

Woman A: I’m Sensing – did you know that I’m Sensing?

Woman B: Uh huh

Woman A: Really! You knew that! How did you know? What did I do? Is it something I say?

Woman B: Everytime you don’t answer my call and it takes you a while to get back to me, it then takes 5 minutes for you to explain in detail why. You saw the light flashing, but you were unable to get to the phone, and then Sara came into the office to speak to you, and then you needed to sign a delivery slip for UPS and then something else happened and then … You feel compelled to give me every detail.

Woman A: Oh MY I do do that don’t I? What do you do?

Woman B: I just wait until you are finished. (Sigh)

Woman A: (Sigh)

Intuition and Sensing – Designing a training

Sensing Colleague: Let’s talk about the process involved.

Me (ENFP): I like to use the 4 mat system so that all four learning styles are covered… (followed by a 6 sentence explanation of the 4 mat system)

Sensing Colleague: Okay

Me: So if we start with “why” we are doing this (followed by 6 sentences explaining why this approach is important)

Sensing Colleague: Too heady

Me: (More explanation of why the big picture and the context is important)

Sensing Colleague: They been there done that. We have to make this real

So what to do when you realize you are talking essentially different languges
A couple of things come to mind:

1. Remember that neither one is the “right” way so stay out of judgment
2. Observe your own embeddness in your preference and try to see things from the other person’s perspective. For example as I got into the conversation with my colleague I realized that the 6 documents that I had sent her prior to our conversation were full of theory and models and they were not what she was looking for.
3. Keep a sense of humour. Both women in scenario #1 had a grin on their face as they recognized a moment of truth between them.
4. Appreciate the opportunity to learn. Working with my colleague will give me a better understanding of how to meet the needs of those with a Sensing preference. We will also provide a better training design with both our input.

What are your top three tips for communication between Sensing and Intuition?

The Toronto Organizational Development Network offered a workshop that was an exploration of “The Four Generations at Work”. All four generations were represented at the half day event. This workshop was framed as an exploration that was geared to building bridges rather than pigeon-holing people into artificial constraints.

This actually is not as easy to do as it sounds. The facilitators took great care when designing the workshop, to set the context and design the exercises to surface underlying assumptions and filters and to create genuine conversation geared at exploring this topic. However, the reality of how blind we might be to our beliefs showed up in very subtle ways thereby illustrating to me just how challenging it is to foster meaningful dialogue, understanding and appreciation. North American culture and perhaps our work culture in particular does not include appreciation of different generations as part of the fabric of our day to day interactions. Misconceptions can surface and even be reinforced depending on how the topic is approached.

What did emerge as the morning went on is that personality type and developmental level play as much or more of a role in understanding differences between individuals than any differences resulting from date of birth. Reducing the conversation to focus on a catalogue of intergenerational generalizations misses an opportunity for deeper understanding. People can be married to their assumptions and beliefs and look only for examples that reinforce their worldview. They can do this and not be conscious that this is what is happening – instead they mistakenly feel that they have a corner on the truth.

On the other hand focusing more on what there is to appreciate about each other can build bridges. This may sound like a simplistic approach, but real conversation in the context of real work issues can afford the opportunity for that to happen.

At Context Management Consulting, cross-functional action learning groups have proven over and over to be an effective vehicle for having just these kind of conversations that not only help people come up with the best approaches to current challenges, but also allow for individuals to appreciate the value of diverse perspectives.

Agreements are critical to any relationship. Make good clear agreements with well defined criteria for fulfillment and then know if and when to recontract. I made an agreement this week that I am having a challenge fulfilling. The agreement I made was with Denise Wakeman of the Blog Squad who “threw down the gauntlet” to do three blog posts this week each post within a twenty minute time frame – max. Part two of the agreement was to do this within the blog platform – no long hand, no word document which then gets transferred. Straight up.

I agree with the concept. My writing ought to gain an energy and an authenticity as a result of this direct approach – vital, alive, immediate, engaging. Having a blog writing practice that is efficient and effective ought to be energizing and more sustainable than a multi-step process that has the potential to be a burden (or Heaven forbid – a drag). The train of thought continues that the more a person writes the better they get at writing…the more compelling the writing …the more value their content provides and the more they increase their influence and so on…

So here I am an hour and ten minutes later. Five different threads explored and deleted. None of these threads captured for further exploration or refinement. Fortunately for me I am one of those people who believes in the importance of agreements – if I said I will do something I will do it. It is not yet time to renegotiate with Denise.

I am actually not certain what my next steps will be… what I do know I that I have a lot of ideas -after all NFP’s are all about possibilites. If immediacy is what I want to infuse in my writing then perhaps I need to write directly to this blog as the ideas arise.

I am grateful for this challenge. I trust that down the road I will recognize this as a point in time when I turned a corner. So far I kept part two of the agreement about not using a word document – now to work on part one and commit to one thread captured in twenty minutes.

How we navgate challenges is how we navigate challenges. This one is a good one to further my development. Stay tuned to find out how I do with this challenge- You can even let me know how I am getting along.

In the meantime I have two questions for you.

What strategies do you have for keeping your work energized and sustainable?

How do you respond to agreements that are challenging?