“So what?” you may ask.

If you are trying to influence another to accept your ideas or buy your services too much of anything can become a “deal breaker.” The unfortunate part is that these opinions about your “worthiness” are arrived at in a split second.

But what can we do with feedback that says we are “too” of anything?

My take is that we are who we are for the most part so transformation from one end of the spectrum to the other is something that has a one in a million chance of happening and sticking. Polishing the stone, enhancing what we have, tweaking what needs tweaking is something to aspire to and is a sign of our maturity and attainment of a modicum of grace.

A personal example… In earlier days when I was studying NLP it came to my attention that I often used “distractor” patterns in my communication. In my case this meant hand gestures that were closer to flailing than firm decisive gestures and hemming and hawing patterns in my speech. Think of the kinds of things you might see and hear from a young teenager. What may be cute and disarming in 14 year old loses more and more of its charm with each decade.

What changes did I make?

These patterns may still surface from time to time but I learned to focus on others in order to stop this behaviour that was fueled by self-consciousness. When I shift my energy and attention to watching the sensory cues of others all of my attention and intention is about them getting the results they want and need. The net result was that I automatically slowed down and calmed down my speech and movements. It was more about turning down the volume on what wasn’t working and turning up the volume on what would work better.

Do you have a focus on improvement? Are you trying to “fix” or “polish”?

I had a wonderful conversation today. The conversation was in a social setting but the stated purpose was to talk about the Enneagram. It is my version of heaven on earth – exploring the wonder of our Inner Landscapes.

That is until the “thing” appeared.

The “thing” is the guarded response which people do when they try to reply without giving themselves away. They edit their speech to eliminate any words or phrases that they recognize as type specific. It is as if they see you as a mind reader able to observe what is going on inside – inside THEM!!!.

Not only can’t I read minds – I am not interested. It is the energy dynamic between people, the thrust and parry, the synchronicity that excites me. So talk away…you, my dear, are simply fascinating.

When someone is talking from their ideals, from their heart, a quick thrust to the bottom line can be a jolt and can seem abrasive. Here’s a tip for uber-analytical types “When someone is waxing enthusiastically, soften the delivery if you want to be heard.”

If you cannot see the “doodle” go to http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2010/who-wants-a-reality-check.html

In saying that I recognize that the MBTI simply looks at preferences and not capability but it can also point out potential “blindspots” and “By George” I think I just discovered one.

Lesley Parrott, queen of the Insights Discovery inventory, a preference based system built on the work of Jung, very kindly pointed out that Extroverts often want to align with others and this can affect how they listen. She want on to demonstrate the LISTEN and ADD technique

Person A – I had this awesome life shattering experience trekking in the Himalayas (Or whatever else the topic may be)

Person E for Extrovert (adds without a breath in between) I know I know when I backpacked through Poughkeepsie yada yada….

I blushed because I am SO guilty of doing that. I sometimes approach conversation as if it was improv.

Lesley went on to identify how great radio interviewers such as the late great Canadian host Peter Gzowski could ask a question and then let it sit out there in silence giving the person a chance to answer.

The secret to listening … SHUT UP and WAIT for a response or continuation of the thought.

Can you leave “dead” air? What are the chances you might hear something that you might have missed if you filled the void?

This week during a conversation with an Extraverted salesperson who did not know the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, I described the differences between Introversion and Extraversion and the internal processing of those with a preference for Introversion.

At first a look of surprise crossed their face and this was followed by an immediate aha moment. They went on to describe a conversation that had just occurred that morning with a client. The salesperson had been using discovery questions to explore the needs of this client and was getting MUCH MORE silence than response. The silence compelled the salesperson to push – asking even more questions. As this Extravert listened to me describe how the Introvert has a dominant function that is in the internal world not the external, they suddenly were able to reframe the clients behaviour from “being difficult (on purpose)” to being the Introvert’s natural way of reflecting before speaking. They were thrilled to have the suggestion to give the person time to reflect before pushing for an answer before the person has had a moment to ponder their response

(For any email subscribers -The “doodle” that accompanies this post can be viewed by clicking on the link in the title)

This was my daughter’s phrase and I asked her if she belonged to this tribe. We laughed because Karen describes herself as a “big feeler.” The gift of this is her ability to be in a conversation with anyone no matter how challenging the topic. She doesn’t deflect or change course when encountering heavy emotional territory, she steers fearlessly for the eye of the storm, allowing others to express and consequently move beyond the “touchy” places.   She comes by this honestly, apparently, because her sister and her mother are also tribe members from time to time. (Okay okay I admit to crying during commercials.)

There is a downside to being “too much.” People give you messages either directly as in “You’re too much!” or ” Stop being so emotional” or indirectly by backing away, averting their eyes or other non-verbal messaging. This holds true for people who are too loud, too friendly, too assertive but some of the tribe are immune to other people’s responses. Others in the tribe end up feeling that they don’t fit in and this can cause them to withdraw, act out or alter their behaviour.

It occurred to me that Hans Christian Andersen’s tale ‘The Ugly Duckling” captures the alienation we feel when we aren’t like others. Trying to conform may seem like the prescribed solution, but ultimately it doesn’t work if it results in feeling like you are abandoning yourself.

Here are three suggestions for anyone who feels that they are “too much” at  times.

1. Accept yourself just the way you are. I’m not implying that you might not wish to change some aspects of how you show up to others. Perhaps you’ll change or maybe you won’t. The truest way to have change happen naturally is to start by looking at “what is” and simply being okay with that. If you force yourself to adapt you may end up in resistance and further embedded in “too much” as a result of undue stress.
2. If there is a person or group of people in your life who give off messages that they don’t accept you as you are, think about what you want to do about that. Letting people constantly criticize and judge you is a recipe for stress. It is okay to outgrow friends, colleagues even lifestyles. They don’t need to be blamed or made wrong. It may simply be the time to move on.
3. Develop a practice of being a neutral yet compassionate observer of your behaviour. Notice those “too much” episodes without judgment. “How fascinating!” “How interesting” “Look at this dynamic”. This simple mindful habit (skill), anchored in acceptance, is one of the most powerful contributors to change.

Good luck to any fellow ducklings! I’d love to hear how this fairy tale scenario holds true for you.

What I thought was interesting was his suggestion that people do business with people who are like-minded. Of course he was talking about people who had behaviours and interests that were similar.

Maybe there is something to what he suggests. I’m not really sure what I think about this idea but I recently had an experience that might prove him right. I facilitated a day of visioning with two business owners- one had ESTJ preferences and one was ENTP. One two occasions the person who is ENTP explained an idea that I was trying to get across by making it more tangible. Maybe it isn’t a coincidence that many people who seek me out as a coach have NF, NT or SP temperament preferences. My approach is often a mis-match for SJ’s no matter how conscious I try to be about my language and pace.

While I mull this over, I am curious to hear your thoughts on the benefits of finding “like- minded” customers/clients rather than trying to adapt or getting them to see things your way?

I was talking to such an entrepreneur (SP temperament) in such a stuck place who was finding it difficult to know what to say to clients who were complaining about something out of this individual’s control. People were making erroneous assumptions about this person’s working relationship with a business associate who was responsible for the problem area in question. This entrepreneur was like a deer in the headlights not knowing quite what to say because they had the inside scoop. However correcting any misconceptions about the division of responsibility would make both parties look bad and not satisfy the client. Besides which it would just feed any existing resentment by playing the BLAME game. The only responsible position was to take 100% responsibility to the client but it wasn’t pleasant.

My thinking went to a need for recreating the business agreements with this associate. This could have been a lengthy negotiation.

A third person (ENTJ) in the conversation suggested simply saying to the client “Thank you for your feedback. We will look into that and get back to you with some ideas.” I was quite taken aback for a moment until I realized that my approach could have been over-complicating things and possibly erecting even more barriers. This simple response would respect the client and provide an opportunity for the entrepreneur to maintain their momentum.

In focusing on providing for the client these associates might have an opportunity for some honest conversation to sort out their relationship from the bottom up. It might not require a big formal re-negotiation if a series of smaller conversations could achieve the same result.

Are you aware of areas where you over-complicate matters?

The Theory
The Thinking preference makes decisions objectively based on matching to rational, logical criteria.

The Feeling preference has a decision-making process that is subjective and is based on values and how the decision will affect the people involved. It is a rational process – the criteria are different.

So that’s the theory.

The Reality
This difference can be the cause of a lot of misunderstanding in relationships. I love this cartoon because from a Thinking perspective this purchase makes no sense, but how many people have had this very moment in their shopping experience. This cartoon is at the expense of the Feeling preference so I’d like to point out the value Feeling makes in contributing to harmony and well-being. Better decisions are made when both Thinking and Feeling are considered.

Disclaimer
BTW if the joke was on the other foot Thinking types wouldn’t care. They might not even notice. “It’s not personal.” could almost be a Thinking mantra.

Inner Landscapes II

Interaction
That’s the name of the game! The MBTI is an opportunity…a vehicle for saying “this is a snapshot of me – how I operate in the world. I hope you find this useful in understanding how to communicate with me.”
Without interacting with the MBTI how do you know how to apply the information? Often people take the inventory and then tuck the report in a drawer. This lack of application was part of my inspiration in doing a series of painting on the Myers Briggs. I wanted to encourage interaction – conversation – sharing of stories, opinions and insights. People came into the gallery and had great conversations about what they liked and why and how that related to their own preferences. “I like the structure in this painting…this other is way too “all over the place.’”

One highlight from that show was a young newly-married couple from Montreal who were vacationing in Toronto and came into the gallery. She was reluctant to look at the work but he was intrigued. It turned out that his type was ISFP and when the young woman read the type description she did a 180. They had a 20 minute conversation in the gallery with her reinterpreting their whole vacation – no longer interpreting his quiet gentle ways as lacking engagement with her. Now that’s a cool insight to have in the first months of marriage instead of building up negative stories about your partner’s behaviour. They both left very excited about their new understanding of each other. This young man actually came back to Toronto for a ball game later in the month and dragged his buddies into the gallery before the game. The buddies were looking for a “brewski” not art so they were not as interactive as my new friend.

Your turn
At my Personality + Business page on Facebook I am having a contest (well actually a draw). Share your MBTI related insights and stories about how who you are (personality type, passions, interests, strengths, values) fits perfectly with what you do at work and at home too.

I will be sending a copy of “Inner Landscapes II” which has images of all of the 33 painting done for the show to one person selected randomly. (how could I judge which story is best?) It also has wonderful type descriptions for Otto Kroeger Associates. These particular descriptions are geared for a business audience. The selection for the winner will be random and done on Aug 30th.

Tell us your story – this is an interactive WIN-WIN possibility. You might win a book and we all win by learning more about applying the MBTI.

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