The Situation
Once upon a time there was an bright talented young woman. She went to work for a global organization and did very well indeed. She went to work and did her job. Efficient, effective, likable, team-player… the list of stellar adjectives go on and on.

The Wake-Up
During a leadership workshop, exercise after exercise brought insights and an emotional connection awakening something within. At the very end of the 2 days an exercise gave this young woman feedback on just how many of her peers saw her as a leader.

The Surprise
The surprise to me is that this was news to this young woman. It had never crossed her mind because it wasn’t included in her title or job description. How delightful that she was finally seen for all that she is and for her potential. I wonder how this will affect her aspirations and the way she approaches her work. What will she want to do now considering this new information? Will questions of her own leadership stance arise for her?

A Possibility
Leading Full Circle is a two day multigenerational leadership program for women. Having women of all generations in mutual mentoring conversations provides more insight and inspiration than relying on a content driven curriculum. The 20 year olds in the spring program brought something special to everyone present – one of the participants referred to the hope for the future that she came away with from her interactions. At the same time the younger women were pleased to see that the questions that confronted them could be viewed as a source of growth and enlightenment. Seeing in the older women the fact that questions didn’t go away but changed tone and direction over time was reassuring and increased their willingness and capacity for asking the hard questions.

Do you know what your needs are?
I’ll be you haven’t really consciously thought about this question recently. Of course Maslow has put them into a hierarchy for us, starting with the basics of food, shelter and ending with self-actualizing needs. But I will wager that other than our daily cave man like morning mantra “need coffee now” or monthly whine “really ought to hit the gym” most of us don’t pay attention to our needs.

What happens when a particular need goes unmet?
Ahhhh…hhhaaaa Unmet needs make themselves known. If you don’t notice your discomfort, your cranky mood, then perhaps someone close will be kind enough to point it out to you. They may ask “What’s wrong?” “You don’t seem to be yourself?” It may be as subtle as a lacklustre feeling seeping into everything, or something feeling “off”.

How can you really know what your needs are?
Here’s a scenario that you might know well. You think that you need a bigger, better car, house, job, city etc. and then you will be happy. You might recognize this syndrome in others when you listen to them complain.

Some of us might actually be able to become the kind of excellent observers of our behaviour that allows us to suss out our true needs which most likely aren’t the kind that are satisfied by a new house. For the rest of us looking at the Reiss Desire Profile can be enlightening. This assessment is a comprehensive, standardized, objectively validated instrument that assesses 16 basic psychological needs. Fourteen of these needs or desires are based on animal behaviour; for example, power, independence and curiosity can all be found when studying the animal world.

Who is responsible for my needs?
The simple (yet not so simple) answer is… you are. Here’s an example of the not so simple answer. One of the most challenging needs, if it applies to you, is the need for Acceptance. Before you think that we all have that particular need, the truth is …. we don’t. Some people honestly could care less what you think about them. Not in a mean way – it simply isn’t on their radar screen.

If you have a need like this and expect that because you give it to a particular person or even a job that there is an automatic quid pro quo return due to you, you may be sadly mistaken. In addition it is not necessary. You need to be responsible for getting your need met but if you realize that you can get it met in many ways you can design a solution that works. In the case of Acceptance, there are organizations that value this need – overtly acknowledging this by giving awards and having recognition dinners. Volunteering or working with individuals or organizations that help meet this need takes the pressure off expecting to find it in all the wrong places. Dog owners often boast that they receive unconditional love and acceptance from their pet. Suggesting that a pet can make a difference may seem at first like a trite response – I’m not certain that it is.

So what?
Pay attention to your moods, your feeling of well being. Our emotions and our bodies are great sources of information for us if we pay attention.

If you aren’t sure what needs aren’t being met or what needs are being stepped on or what you are ignoring, look at a needs based tool such as the Reiss Desire Profile.

Take action into your own hands and make a plan to get your needs met. This is not a one time affair. Meeting your needs once does not make them go away. They drive your behaviour whether you are paying attention or not.

Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks posted a video on their Conscious Loving Relationships Facebook page which shows them in their California bathroom holding two different tubes of toothpaste: one mangled by one of them with a clear preference for random squeezing and the other tidily rolled from the bottom. They talk about how we get trapped in the narrowness of our own world-view and the tendency to see that as the “right” way.

Gay and Katey are very discrete about which one is the enthusiastic squeezer and who likes a more systematic approach. What they do make clear is how differences can affect our relationships and how the day to day impact can build into something else indeed. Differences that make us uncomfortable can escalate from merely annoying to creating all kinds of rigid uncompromising postures and decisions. This can happen in a myriad of ways at work, at home, with friends and family.

The solution often begins with appreciating self and others and letting people be who and how they are. Or in this case by simply buying two tubes of paste.

This phrase came across my radar screen just after I posted my last blog that started with a litany of “can’ts”. The visual of the can really adds punch to the idea and lightens any heavy pressure to perform.

CAN’T see the doodle? You CAN at http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2011/success-comes-in-cans.html

I can’t because….

• I’m not clear that this is the right strategy for me now
• There are just a few edits that I want to make
• People might not buy what I’m offering
• I can’t do this alone
• There are so many pieces I can’t quite figure out yet
• Things might change after this next client engagement

You get the picture.

They feel like genuine “more real than real” reasons. They might be seen as others as excuses.

You might be able to distinguish the truth in hindsight. In the moment, it is so tempting to label things as a reason than as an excuse. Then we might have to admit that we are afraid… afraid of failing, of looking inadequate or any number of fears.

I can imagine that each MBTI type has reasons/excuses that are more typical for their type. Do NT’s worry about such things as strategy – SJ’s about being able to achieve timely output – SP’s about being fenced in – NF’s about cutting off possibilities?

If you sense confusion or overwhelm is what is stopping you, get curious about what would happen if those reasons weren’t as solid as they appear.