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Do you know what your needs are?
I’ll be you haven’t really consciously thought about this question recently. Of course Maslow has put them into a hierarchy for us, starting with the basics of food, shelter and ending with self-actualizing needs. But I will wager that other than our daily cave man like morning mantra “need coffee now” or monthly whine “really ought to hit the gym” most of us don’t pay attention to our needs.

What happens when a particular need goes unmet?
Ahhhh…hhhaaaa Unmet needs make themselves known. If you don’t notice your discomfort, your cranky mood, then perhaps someone close will be kind enough to point it out to you. They may ask “What’s wrong?” “You don’t seem to be yourself?” It may be as subtle as a lacklustre feeling seeping into everything, or something feeling “off”.

How can you really know what your needs are?
Here’s a scenario that you might know well. You think that you need a bigger, better car, house, job, city etc. and then you will be happy. You might recognize this syndrome in others when you listen to them complain.

Some of us might actually be able to become the kind of excellent observers of our behaviour that allows us to suss out our true needs which most likely aren’t the kind that are satisfied by a new house. For the rest of us looking at the Reiss Desire Profile can be enlightening. This assessment is a comprehensive, standardized, objectively validated instrument that assesses 16 basic psychological needs. Fourteen of these needs or desires are based on animal behaviour; for example, power, independence and curiosity can all be found when studying the animal world.

Who is responsible for my needs?
The simple (yet not so simple) answer is… you are. Here’s an example of the not so simple answer. One of the most challenging needs, if it applies to you, is the need for Acceptance. Before you think that we all have that particular need, the truth is …. we don’t. Some people honestly could care less what you think about them. Not in a mean way – it simply isn’t on their radar screen.

If you have a need like this and expect that because you give it to a particular person or even a job that there is an automatic quid pro quo return due to you, you may be sadly mistaken. In addition it is not necessary. You need to be responsible for getting your need met but if you realize that you can get it met in many ways you can design a solution that works. In the case of Acceptance, there are organizations that value this need – overtly acknowledging this by giving awards and having recognition dinners. Volunteering or working with individuals or organizations that help meet this need takes the pressure off expecting to find it in all the wrong places. Dog owners often boast that they receive unconditional love and acceptance from their pet. Suggesting that a pet can make a difference may seem at first like a trite response – I’m not certain that it is.

So what?
Pay attention to your moods, your feeling of well being. Our emotions and our bodies are great sources of information for us if we pay attention.

If you aren’t sure what needs aren’t being met or what needs are being stepped on or what you are ignoring, look at a needs based tool such as the Reiss Desire Profile.

Take action into your own hands and make a plan to get your needs met. This is not a one time affair. Meeting your needs once does not make them go away. They drive your behaviour whether you are paying attention or not.

Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks posted a video on their Conscious Loving Relationships Facebook page which shows them in their California bathroom holding two different tubes of toothpaste: one mangled by one of them with a clear preference for random squeezing and the other tidily rolled from the bottom. They talk about how we get trapped in the narrowness of our own world-view and the tendency to see that as the “right” way.

Gay and Katey are very discrete about which one is the enthusiastic squeezer and who likes a more systematic approach. What they do make clear is how differences can affect our relationships and how the day to day impact can build into something else indeed. Differences that make us uncomfortable can escalate from merely annoying to creating all kinds of rigid uncompromising postures and decisions. This can happen in a myriad of ways at work, at home, with friends and family.

The solution often begins with appreciating self and others and letting people be who and how they are. Or in this case by simply buying two tubes of paste.

This phrase came across my radar screen just after I posted my last blog that started with a litany of “can’ts”. The visual of the can really adds punch to the idea and lightens any heavy pressure to perform.

CAN’T see the doodle? You CAN at http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2011/success-comes-in-cans.html

I can’t because….

• I’m not clear that this is the right strategy for me now
• There are just a few edits that I want to make
• People might not buy what I’m offering
• I can’t do this alone
• There are so many pieces I can’t quite figure out yet
• Things might change after this next client engagement

You get the picture.

They feel like genuine “more real than real” reasons. They might be seen as others as excuses.

You might be able to distinguish the truth in hindsight. In the moment, it is so tempting to label things as a reason than as an excuse. Then we might have to admit that we are afraid… afraid of failing, of looking inadequate or any number of fears.

I can imagine that each MBTI type has reasons/excuses that are more typical for their type. Do NT’s worry about such things as strategy – SJ’s about being able to achieve timely output – SP’s about being fenced in – NF’s about cutting off possibilities?

If you sense confusion or overwhelm is what is stopping you, get curious about what would happen if those reasons weren’t as solid as they appear.

April 22nd’s Enneagramtip to realize ” how much I am supported” could not have come at a better time.

“Transforming to Essence” is an enormous quest. HAVING a personality seems like a necessary evil. However I truly love the idea of shifting things when elements of my personality HAVE me.

Each of us has our own challenge. As an Enneagram Six the “doubting mind” is the devil I know well. This Enneagram tip appeared in my email the evening after I returned from a bookclub meeting. As I was leaving the meeting, I happened to notice that the hostess had one of my paintings in each of the 4 directions… paintings North, South, East and West. I was bowled over, perhaps because of the concept of the 4 directions. Because I had always known that my friend had some of my work. I mentioned the coolness of the 4 directions to the group and others chimed in about paintings of mine that they enjoyed at their home, at the cottage or in Florida which covers at least 2 directions on another scale.

When I read this message from “The Wisdom of the Enneagram” it struck me that I am totally blessed and supported even when I am feeling otherwise. It also struck me that I have had this awareness before. The Enneagram teaches that what we focus our attention on creates our reality. So this tip is a good reminder.

It was cool that I had the experience of realizing that I was supported before I had the nudge. Progress?

I think progress is a better measure of success than expecting perfection or transformation.

Want to subscribe to EnneaThought for the Day…

Networking – you either love it or you don’t.

Some groups seem friendlier and less threatening than others.

Even though I have a preference for Extraversion I have an aversion to networking, but perhaps that is obvious in the tone of this post.

It is hard enough to explain my passions to people who know me well, but a roomful of strangers is daunting.

I understand that those with a preference for Introversion can be both competent and capable when it comes to networking. I can just imagine that a room full of strangers could result in an energy draining experience for many Introverts.

If you are reading this in a place where you cannot see the cartoon please click here

One study of 26,477 persons in a Leadership Development Program at the Center for Creative Leadership, reported the following percentage frequencies:

1. ISTJ 18.2%

2. ESTJ 16.0%

3. ENTJ 13.1%

4. INTJ 10.5%

All types can be effective leaders. And conversely all types can be ineffective. There are certain types that predominate and this study illustrates the tendency to see the Thinking preference in leaders profiles. Even though these MBTI profiles or preferences are not an indication of capacity or capability, many of us have been predisposed to turn to those who make quick decisions when we are looking for leadership.

A recent study Psychometrics Canada interviewed HR professionals:

When asked to rate the importance of various leadership skills to success, 90% reported that communication is critically important, followed by dealing with change (52.6%), managing people (48.2%), setting goals (37.5%), solving problems (30.3%) and project management (12%).

We are recognizing the importance of reflection and developing strong relationships and ultimately expanding our view of leadership beyond decision making.

If the cartoon is not visible see it here.

When you ask someone with a preference for Intuition how they came to understand something to be true for them, they can come up with a logical rational explanation. If truth be told they often just know. Different threads come together so that those who prefer Intuition SEE the pattern and it all becomes clear. Then they seek to back it up with some rationale.

Those who are versed in developing critical thinking skills in decision making, may find relying on Intuition unreliable. I use my Intuition all the time. I also trust that I can distinguish when it is the kind of decision where it is necessary to take a more refined look weighing what I believe against critical criteria.

The thing is my Intuition has been a reliable guide at least 90% of the time.

How do I know that’s true – you may ask? I just know.

To view the cartoon http://www.personalityplusinbusiness.com/2011/intuitions-mantra-i-just-know.html

Over the years I have combined my coaching hat with my artist’s beret by introducing drawing, sketching and painting as a way to enter into new and important conversations.

On a very simple level using painting combined with collage to kick-start, augment or crystallize a visioning process works in often stellar ways. The most objective elaborate strategic plan can be brought to life when images amplify the story into full colour.

Solo-preneurs, professionals and individuals in management and leadership positions have used a day of creative exploration to reflect, re-imagine futures and reconnect with passion and purpose. People have returned annually using the opportunity for creative self-expression as part of their overall strategy to keep their engagement to their work true to their original passion and intent.

I have seen how art levels the playing field in intact teams and cross-functional situations. There is also a kind of magic that happens as the occasional reluctant participant realizes the shift in thinking that occurs when the brain is informed with images as well as language. This is not the same old output that discussion alone typically produces.

Leading Full Circle is a two day intergenerational leadership event for women that fully integrates arts-based experiences into the program design. One of the participants describes this program:

Leading Full Circle invites you into: conversations that uncover the thoughts and emotions that are guiding you, individual reflection that makes it easier to hear your inner voice, artistic practice that opens your imagination to the future, kinesthetic exercises that cultivate a more powerful presence, and self-assessment that helps you identify practical next steps.

The women who attended were from all sectors, interests, ages and types. Some of the descriptors used in describing the impact of artistic practices include:

revealing, freeing, re-connecting, immensely helpful, powerful

Injecting an artist into your next workshop, training or meeting may not be the first thing that comes to mind. Drawing, sketching and painting experiences can shift conversations from endless problem solving loops to making connections that deepen meaning and harness inspiration. Action that arises from this level of awareness flows out of alignment with a larger purpose. And that is powerful indeed.

Enneagram North is the hub of Enneagram activity in Ontario. Margaret Rao has been studying the Enneagram for many years – well let’s just say she is well steeped.

This event just crossed my path and I wanted to share it because sub-types tell you so much in a concise way plus this event is offered at such a tantalizing price.

And that my friends appeals to self-preservation sub-types – like me.

If you attend – come and say HI

THE ENNEAGRAM and the SUBTYPES
Saturday, March 26 1:30-3:30 p.m.

Toronto First Unitarian Congregation
175 St. Clair Avenue West @ Avenue Road, Toronto

The Enneagram is a practical and powerful tool for understanding self and others, incorporating ancient spiritual wisdom with modern psychology. This 3 hour workshop will offer an overview of our instinctual subtypes – self-preservation, sexual (intimate) and social and how they play out in our everyday lives. Saturday, March 26 from 1:30 – 4:30 p.m in the library. Fee $5.00

Please reply to margaretrao@rogers.com or (416) 658-0998